The process of reflection as it
relates to my growth and development has always been something that I’ve found
to be very beneficial and helpful for me; however, I experienced an unexpected
flow of emotions and difficulty in reviewing my emotional journey and what that
journey has brought me to today. It’s
difficult reflecting on the hard moments, but I noticed a pattern of great
accomplishment, whether emotionally and professionally, after some difficult
times. This process has shown me that
some of my strengths are found within times where I feel at my lowest and I
feel that my understanding for this has guided me toward understanding what my “ideal
self” really means to me. After I completed
these exercises, I found that I was really trying to avoid certain time period
of my life because I didn’t want to revisit certain failures or times of sadness
and loss; however, once I built that courage to look at what I’ve experienced and
gone through, I started to understand what it means to really appreciate
yourself and your accomplishments. The process of reflecting on my emotional
journey as a lifeline, my social identities, strengths, and roles I have played
throughout my life, has encouraged me to see myself and what I am working
toward as a success and a continual work in progress. I’ve started to realize that I can’t judge
small moments in my life as failures or bumps that I will not be able to
overcome, but instead as opportunities that bring new perspectives and
understanding.
I
found that process of the lifeline development, along with the pictures of me
exercise to be really beneficial as a starting exercise. One interesting pattern I started to unravel
as I searched for photos of myself was that I didn’t have many of me. I tend to be the person taking the photos and
when I am in a photo, I am very quick to minimize myself. I wondered why this was and I believe it’s
related to my previous level of appreciation for myself. This is a pattern that I have noticed
throughout my timeline and I think it’s because I focus on the negatives as a
big picture, even though I feel like I view the minor moments in a positive
perspective. When I started to write out the timeline, I was able to quickly
think of the major moments in my life, both positive and negative, and found
that generally overall, when a difficult moment strikes for me, I find a way to
respond and bounce back. I never
realized this as a strength in myself, but once I was able to layout the
lifeline, it became a lot more apparent.
I currently feel like I am starting to trend toward positivity after a
very rough past year. I lost my lifelong
cat, Abigail, back in March of 2015.
She had been with me since I was 11 and represented a constant stabilizer
throughout my life growing up. That was
the first time I experienced a serious loss and I had difficulty dealing with. It was a process for me that I learned accept,
and gradually understood that it was ok.
As I was finally beginning to accept that sometimes positive moments can
end, I found out in November that one of my brothers had died tragically in a
drowning accident. This loss was very different
for me because I had a different type of relationship. One that wasn’t just connected with me, but
my family and memories that I shared with them.
I struggled with handling the unexpected emotions that I was feeling
ranging from guilt, anger, sadness, and hopeless. I traveled back home for the
funeral and felt a moment where I questioned whether or not I was doing the
right thing by being away from my family, living on the other side of the
country. Was I letting them down or
causing them sadness by not helping or being there? I had a lot of questions,
but was starting to accept that it was ok.
When I arrived back home, about two weeks later, I got a call from my
dad that one of my other brothers had passed away. While we knew he was sick, we just didn’t
expect it all at once. I started to shut
down and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for not being able to help my
parents out more. The rest of December
and this past January were difficult, but enlightening for me, and then it
happened again with our other beloved kitty, April. Over the past month, we’ve
been desperately trying to figure out what is wrong with her and why she was
withering away in front of us. We finally
got an answer last week that she has carcinoma cancer and we are now faced with
the difficult decision of letting go later this week. I bring these moments from this
past year up because they represent the pattern that I have started to see within
myself of strength and courage to learn and grow from difficult
situations and find success and positivity when there is little to be seen. I used to think that I was
not able to overcome negative problems or difficult situations, but after
working through these activities, I’ve realized that I’ve been capable of
overcoming difficult times and finding success when I least expected.
I
remember growing up and experiencing all the highs and lows throughout my life
and feeling as if things couldn’t be worse, or better. Those moments have shown me that life is
always changing and each experience, both good and bad, brings an opportunity
with it and it’s up to you to decide what direction and path you choose to take
beyond that. My whole life I’ve never
put myself as a focus, as visually represented in my struggles in finding
photographs of me. I have always thought
about what my position in life could do to help someone else, and while that
isn’t a bad thing, I’ve started to realize that I need to appreciate myself as
well. This exercise has really been one
that has enlightened me and encouraged me to focus on the reality that I have
control over what happens and what positives and negatives I take from those experiences. While I’ve struggled some, I’ve also
experienced so much happiness and success in my life that I need to give more
credit and appreciation to.
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