A641.1.3.RB - Who Helped Me

Personal reflection is something that has been both gratifying and difficult for me. I currently feel like I am in the midst of many changes in my young, adult life and reflecting on what got me to where I am currently has been incredibly beneficial for determining where I will be going next and what steps I need to take to get there. Leadership isn’t about just leading, there are many characteristics and attributes that are tied to leadership that require the individual to challenge who they are and strengthen their visions and goals, while still holding true to your values (McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston, 2008). As we continue to learn more about what being a leader is all about, it has become clear that a foundational element to this development process revolves around our relationships with others. When I reflect on my past or wonder why someone is the way they are now, I’m often wondering what circumstance or relationship provoked this behavior or trait. These questions are questions that I have asked myself as well, especially more recently as I have embarked on new and uncertain times in my life.  After working through the activity for this module, it was pretty clear which relationships made the biggest impact in my life. From my parents to my fiancé and a past professor, I have received advice, support, and examples of elements that have built who I am today.

My mom and dad have always been a unique piece to my development, as I am sure many people’s parents have been for them as well. Both of my parents are very different from one another, which allowed me to recognize both positives and negatives about their personalities and character traits. I feel like my process of building and sustaining relationships was molded from the attributes that my dad possessed. In some ways this has been a positive and in others, a negative. My dad’s actions and character encouraged me to be a helpful, willing, and trusting individual; however, these traits have also been a challenge for me as I continue to grow. I have learned that people will take advantage of these characteristics, which has made it difficult for me, as I view myself as a forever optimist. I’ve also experienced the consequences of never standing up for yourself due to my desire to stay optimistic and ‘keep the peace’.  My dad’s willingness to always help when he could have placed him in situations where he was doing too much for others, and not enough for himself. This is a trait I know all too well as I have struggled to balance the desire to challenge myself by placing myself in new positions with the desire to help others.  I often end up “overbooking” myself, which in turn causes anxiety and a negative personality trait, being flakiness and reliability. This has been difficult for me, especially recently, as I am trying to put myself in a position where I am learning new things and gaining beneficial experience.  While the negatives can play a big role in my development as a leader, the positives are what make me who I am.  They are the essence of who I am and my values and goals are centralized around my need to build relationships and help others.  This is an area I am still working on improving as I figure out how to balance work, two master’s programs, and personal time for myself with my deep-seated need to challenge myself in a way that is focus around helping others without doubting my capabilities and potential. 

This self-doubt has been slowly going away as the second person, my mom, has helped me build foundation for personal and professional development. Unlike my dad, my mom knows when to say no and how to fight for herself and her passions.  This is a strength that I have always envied in my mom when I was growing up.  I never understood how she could be so confident in herself and have so much strength to get out there and get what she wants.  She has never been afraid to do anything, as she sees everything as a opportunity.  While we often butt heads in our stubborn nature, that stubbornness is also the balance I need for building a stronger belief in myself and my abilities. A moment I remember and reference often was when I was a senior in high school, I competed in the International Science Fair and ended up winning the regional, local fair. That win qualified me to go to finals in Reno, NV.  At the time, Reno was on the other side of the country for me, I had never been on a plane, and my project, in my own opinion, did not feel worthy to compete with the brightest young minds in the world! I had glued painted bottle caps to a tri-fold poster and named my topic “Recycological Thinking”. The project was a research topic that I was curious about involving recycling and poverty, focusing on Maslow’s Law as tool for focusing different research tests with.  While I really believe in what I was doing and felt passionately about the project, I had no idea how I was supposed to look reputable next to a project that’s title I couldn’t even pronounce that was looking for a cure for cancer, or a research experiment on developing prosthetic legs.  I felt very out of my element and to put it bluntly, just simply not smart enough. I remember talking with my mom about my fears and reasons for not wanting to go.  She listened carefully and empathize with me, but continued to remind me that what I was doing was important and that this experience is not going to come ever again.  She continued to support me and my feelings through offering rational advice, but never told me what to do.  As kid, she never punished me, but instead, taught me the benefits and consequences of my actions.  This type of leadership encouraged me to make my own decisions through reflection based on my values and goals.  I ended up going to the science fair, nervous, but excited for the opportunity to just put myself out there to be judged. The experience was one that I will never forget and feel like I reference it often as being one of those moments that changes your life.  If it weren’t for my mom, I would have never gone to the competition for fear that my own self-doubt would highlight my weaknesses. My mom’s ability to encourage me to think about the future of my decisions and the impact those decisions will have on both myself and the environment around me, allowed me to recognize that by personally deciding to put yourself in a vulnerable position, like the science fair, can turn out to be a valuable opportunity and a life changing experience.  She taught me that facing your fears and looking at your weaknesses in an honest perspective is crucial to reaching your full potential.  

Both of my parents have provided foundational pieces to my development that have acted like yin and yang to my strengths and weaknesses.  I recognize that I still have a way to go, but those foundational elements are really what I built my core beliefs and values from. I am now able to recognize better what areas will be a struggle for me and instead of running away from them, I can face them and learn from them.  I am constantly working on strengthening the balance between wanting to be helpful and giving my all, while still making sure that I am looking out for myself and speaking up for what I need and not ignoring those opportunities to grow.

While I recognize what makes me who I am, I also understand that there are moments where I need to reevaluate which one I am influenced by more, which is an area that I have struggled with a lot.  For the most part, my nurturing and caring side tends to overpower my courage and strength side, causing major uncertainty in my actions and view of my potential. My self-doubt has been crippling at times, causing me to feel like maybe I am better suited to just stand back and tell myself that my passions or dreams aren’t worth the effort. This is where certain individuals have stepped in throughout my life and showed me otherwise. These individuals have not only shown belief in me, but also taught me how to see belief in myself, which has been so encouraging.  My ability to communicate and connect with different people has also improved due to the influence of people stepping in when they could have just continued on their way.

One of the most encouraging people to help me, has also been one of the most difficult for me effectively communicate my feelings and insecurities to.  This person is ironically my fiancé, Nick.  Our communication is unique in that we are very different in how we express ideas and feelings to each other.  I am someone who feels like words adequately can describe my feelings toward different situations, whereas he is someone who finds that actions, or inactions, reflect his character.  His character is a unique blend of both values my mom and dad possess.  Nick is humble and kind; always willing to help when he can.  With that said, he also knows when to say no if it impedes on his vision and goal.  He has shown me that you can possess all the traits you find valuable, but for those attributes to matter, you have to have a purpose and live by that purpose.  Nick is a great representation of someone who knows themselves and understands the value of what is important to him as it relates to the choices he makes in his life.  Nick’s strength in valuing his goals and finding ways to reach those goals while still staying true to who he is represents the part of me that I see doubt and uncertainty in.  I recognize through watching him succeed in a way that makes him happy and fulfilled, that I need to clearly define what it is I am wanting to achieve as a leader both personally and professionally, otherwise I will continue to scattered about all of the place with no focus.  While I recognize this strength in Nick, he does not recognize this as being unique or difficult to achieve.  He takes the same stand with most things relating to his character, seeing them as obvious and rational to his purpose and goals.  While this can be a strength and weakness for him, it has actually encouraged me to actually question myself more and view my options rationally.  His ability to rationalize his actions and understand his values and goals have allowed him to takes steps that represent what he needs to grow, not what someone else thinks he should be or what fits into the current need of a situation.  While we are both very different, his blunt nature and ability to see what is necessary to get from point A to point B have inadvertently helped me with maintaining my own balance.  He has helped me better understand and narrow down what is really important and what is not.  This has helped me face opportunities in a clear and goal driven way, which has over time, made my ability to make decisions less overwhelming.

My parents, as well as Nick, have all helped me develop, strengthen, and balance my character, values, and growth as a leader both personally and professionally. While I had these individuals in my life that helped me build up who I am, there were also some individuals who challenged me and forced me to reflect on my work and my focus. One individual in particular was a professor I had in college who went by Pam.  She had the unique ability to make you feel overwhelmingly inspired by your own potential that you felt like you could accomplish anything or create any idea that popped in your head.  She managed to do this through her ability to communicate effectively, which helped build strong, lasting relationships with her students.  The trust she built with her students felt honest and sincere, which was very rare in artistic environments where the opinion and critiques of others were solely based on your skill both artistically and communicatively.  If you weren’t able to effective communicate your process and focus for your work, it was nearly impossible for you to connect your work with the ‘audience’, or in this case, my classmates.  She taught me how to not just see the opportunities in my work, but she also taught me to develop the ability to push myself through thinking critically and asking questions that would encourage further exploration.  She represented the notion that you are the effort that you put into something and expected her students to approach each project in the same way.  Because she knew what we were capable of achieve on a surface level, as a student, I had always felt a desire to be better and not just meet her expectations, but exceed them.  This mentality was true for almost all of the other students as well, which created a challenging, but motivational and empowering class to be a part of.

These individuals have made a lasting impact on my development through various different ways, but a common indicator has always been communication with others, as well as honestly communicating with myself.  At times, I have sometimes felt like these people were letting me down, or pushing me to a place where I felt like I wouldn’t be successful, but I realize that if you don’t feel vulnerable, the experience wont be as rewarding. Looking back now, I am able to see that all of the moments in my life where I was scared, unsure, or overwhelmed provided opportunities for me to look at myself honestly and pull all of the knowledge and encouragement I received from these individuals together and work toward developing and believing in myself.  Reflecting on these moments and wondering what would have happened if I had instead, let me fears and self-doubt make my decisions for me, remind me that there are opportunities to push yourself everywhere and you can either face them or give up on that opportunity to learn.  It hasn’t been easy for me to overcome my fears and feelings of self-doubt toward reaching my goals, but I am starting to realize that everyone who has helped me get to where I am battled the same issues. The difference was that they were able to see those negative feelings and fears as opportunities instead of inadequacies.  This realization has been incredibly beneficial in my growth and I will continue to work on remembering that there is no right or wrong way to go about reaching your personal goals, it is more about recognizing why those goals are important to you and believing that you can reach those goals.  I would have never understood this if it weren’t for the people who were willing to put themselves in a vulnerable place for the sake of my own personal development.  We never really realize the impact we can have on someone, but for me, knowing that I have the ability to help others the way they have helped me is a realization that I see as a valuable component to my continual growth and development.

References

Boyatzis, R. E., & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant Leadership: Renewing yourself and connecting with others through mindfulness, hope, and compassion. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader: Develop your emotional intelligence, renew your relationships, sustain your effectiveness. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Pub.